At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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