She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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