I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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