Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Will exercising make me less horny?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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