so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
