'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
