note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
