I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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