So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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