HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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