is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
