you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
