Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
