i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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