it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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