Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
