He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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