theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
