I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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