I think I died a long time ago.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
