im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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