Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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