I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
