Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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