had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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