just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
