then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
