I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
