ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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