Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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