Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
