We're like a lot better than the average bears
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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