just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
