Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
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I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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