I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
