I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
