NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
