I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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