best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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