I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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