I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
