U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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