glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
