with your own penis?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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