I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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