my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I enjoy the company of your penis
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
