yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
