Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
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its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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