Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
