All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
