I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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