The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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