I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
