he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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