we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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