Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
