My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
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Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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