Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
